Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category:
An Attractive Woman At The Bar
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
“Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, no,” he replied.
“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. “Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.”
@--BookMark Me -->>
Till Death Do Us Part
An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman’s doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again, as the strain would be too much.
The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he’d better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation. This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs - she’s coming downstairs, he’s heading up.
“Honey, I have a confession to make,” the woman says, her voice quavering. “I was about to commit suicide.”
“I’m glad to hear it, sweetie,” the man says, “Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!”
@--BookMark Me -->>
The Three-Hut Test
There was this tribe and one of the tribesmen had committed a crime and death was the punishment. He went up to the leader of the tribe and said, “Look, I don’t want to die, I’m young and I really have things going good before this. Is there anything I can do?”
The tribe leader replied, “Well, yeah, there is the three-hut test if you want to take it. If you pass, you won’t be put to death.” So the guy eagerly said, “Sure, I’ll do it. What do I have to do?”
The leader replied, “There are 3 huts. In the first hut there is enough grog for an entire crew of a ship that would last for a week. If you go in there and drink all of it in 24 hours and come out alive you can go on to the second hut. In the second hut there is a lion that has an abysses on his tooth. It needs to be removed. If you can go in there and come out with the tooth you can go on to the last hut. In the last hut there is a woman who has never been satisfied in sex, if you can go in there and satisfy her, you will be free.”
So the guy thought, “Yeah, I may as well; I don’t have anything to lose.” He went into the first hut and emerged a couple of hours pissed off his brain and staggered off, totally drunk, to the next hut. At the the next hut they all heard a lot of screaming and blood was flying out and shredded clothes were thrown everywhere.
When he finally came out everyone was shocked, he was still alive. He drunkenly asked them, “So, where’s that sheila who needs the tooth pulled?”
@--BookMark Me -->>
24 Hours To Live
A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He went home to tell his wife and after both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live. “Of course Darling,” she replied. And so they had sex.
Four hours later they were lying in bed and he turned to her again, and said, “You know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?” Again she responded sympathetically and agreed to have sex.
Another 8 hours passed, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he tapped her on the shoulder, and asked her again, “You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?” By this time she was getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agreed.
After they finished she went back to sleep and 4 hours later, he tapped her on the shoulder again and said, “Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?”
Well, she turned to him with a grimaced look on her face and said, “You know … you don’t have to get up in the morning. I do!!!”
@--BookMark Me -->>
Every Room Needs A Statue
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry!” she said, “Stand in the corner.” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.”
“What’s this, honey?” the husband asked as he entered the room. “Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us, too.”
No more was said about the “statue”. Later that night after they had gone to sleep, around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk. “Here,” he said to the statue, “eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.”
@--BookMark Me -->>
Benefits of Being Gorgeous
Two cannibals, a father and son, were out to get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old man.
The son said, “Ooh dad, there’s one.” “No,” said the father. “There’s not enough meat on that one to feed even the dogs. We’ll just wait.” Well, a little while later, along came this really fat woman. The son said, “Hey dad, she’s plenty big enough.” “No,” the father said. “We’d all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We’ll just wait.”
About an hour later, there came this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, “Now there’s nothing wrong with that one dad. Let’s eat her.” “No,” said the father. “We’ll not eat her either.”
“Why not?” asked the son.
“Because, we’re going to take her back alive and eat your mother instead.”
@--BookMark Me -->>
Have You Seen A Mermaid?
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her, how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river to drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, “I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.” The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right.” And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. “I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.”
The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?” The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?” And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, “Why not THIRTY times in a row?” Finally, she said, “Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.” Then the young son asked, “Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?”
@--BookMark Me -->>
Romantic Mood
An older couple were lying in bed after an evening celebrating their 50th Wedding Anniversary. The husband was asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to go back to sleep. A few moments later she said : “Then you used to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said : “Then you used to bite me on my neck.”
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
He answered, “To get my teeth!”
@--BookMark Me -->>
Falling Asleep During A Sermon
A man who went to Church with his wife, always had a habit of falling asleep during a sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and on one Sunday, took a long hat pin along to poke him with every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out “… and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th ..” she poked her husband who came flying out of the pew and screamed, “Good God All Mighty!”
The minister said “That’s right, that’s right” and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath. He later began to doze off again when the minister got to “… and who died on the cross to save us from our sins …” the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted, “Jesus Christ!”
The minister said, “That’s right, that’s right” and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to “… and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child,” the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said, “If you stick that damn thing in me again I’ll break it off.”
@--BookMark Me -->>
Elaborate Plan
Two blondes decided to rob a bank and sat down to draw up an elaborate plan for the heist. They practised the routine many times in their heads. Then the big day came.
One blonde sat waiting in the car while the other went into the bank. Five minutes, ten minutes and then half an hour passed. She was not supposed to take that long inside the bank.
After what seemed like ages she finally came running out with the safe tied securely with a rope. Moments later, the door of the bank swung open and out came the security guard, clumsily blasting away with his pump gun because his trousers were down to the floor!
As they fled away in their car, one blonde said to the other, “You idiot! You’re supposed to tie up the security guard and blow the safe.”
@--BookMark Me -->>
Husband For Sale!
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where
a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the
store ONLY ONCE !
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the
shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may
choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband .
Read the rest of this entry »
@--BookMark Me -->>
Made in Japan
A Japanese tourist got in a cab and told the driver to drive him to the airport. On their way, a car zoomed by and the Japanese went, “Aaah, Toyota, made in Japan, very faaast!” And then, another car zoomed by and the Japanese went, “Aaah, Nissan, made in Japan, very faaast!” And then, another car zooms by and again the Japanese lets out, “Aaah Mitsubishi, made in Japan, very faaast!”
By this time, the cabby was getting tired of his passenger’s nationalistic pride. Upon arriving at the airport, the cabby tells his passenger, “$130 please.”
The Japanese went, “$130? It’s not that far from the hotel!”
The cabby replied, “Aaah, taxi meter, made in Japan, very faaast!”
@--BookMark Me -->>
Secrets of Sharing
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.
The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, “Oh no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.”
Then the man asked the lady why she was not eating. “It’s his turn with the false teeth,” she said.
@--BookMark Me -->>
Invited For Dinner
A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist : “Hello, could you give me a condom. My girlfriend has invited me for dinner and I think she is expecting something from me.” The pharmacist gives him the condom.
As the young man is going out, he returns and tells him : “Give me another condom because my girlfriend’s sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she needs me and I think she expects something from me too.” The pharmacist gives him a second condom.
As the boy is leaving he turns back and says : “After all, give me one more condom because my girlfriend’s Mom is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes allusions … and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting something from me as well!!”
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister facing him and the mom on his right.
When dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying : “Dear Lord, bless this dinner … thank you for all you give us … !!!” A minute later the boy is still praying : “Thank you Lord for your kindness …” Ten minutes, and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend even more than the others.
She gets close to the boy and whispers in his ears : “I didn’t know you were so religious!!!”
And the boy replies back to his girlfriend : “I didn’t know your father was a pharmacist!!!”
@--BookMark Me -->>
If Oil and Gas Prices Increase Further…
What if oil and gas prices increase further after this? Maybe these are the solutions….haha..
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@--BookMark Me -->>
